Mama Guilt Monday-Things I adore about Jackson

I am sharing my Mama Guilt as part of a series hosted by Cop Mama. If you have your own guilt you would like to share, head on over to Cop Mama or simply post in my comments.

My Mama Guilt for today is that I use this blog to share my frustrations about my son's picky eating habits and have never included the things I adore about the kid. In fact, I had planned to write a post about the recent battle we had over eating, but instead I am going to share some of the things that make Jackson such a joy in my life. Hopefully, if he reads this when he is all grown-up, he will forgive me for sharing all the times he did or didn't take a bite of chicken.

• I love that Jackson's favorite song is "Run to You" by Lady Antebellum. I can't help but smile when he sings it with as much passion a 5 year old can muster.
• Jackson never took to a security blanket (no matter how hard my mother tried!). Even as an infant, though, he would reach up and stroke my hair. To this day he will reach for my hair when he is sad, tired or nervous. I have a friend who finds this creepy (like the dude from Charlie's Angels II), but I love that I am his security blanket.
• I downloaded the Mama Mia soundtrack as soon as it was available and played it in the car every chance I got. Jackson now knows every ABBA song by heart and when he heard I was seeing the movie, he asked to come along. I told him it was a grown-up movie and he would not be allowed to talk in the movie theatre at all! His response: "Or sing?"
• Jackson has always shown an interest in drawing. At preschool you would always find him in the "coloring center". We took him to Hollywood studios one year and he sat through an animation class (he was the youngest person in the room). I witnessed a light-bulb go off in his little head. He could learn to draw things. We bought him a book on how to draw Mickey Mouse and he hasn't stopped learning since. He can draw well beyond his age and has since said he wants to be "an artist" when he grows up. Who knew your children could have talents you yourself don't posses?
• I can get Jackson out of a grumpy mood by simply playing any Rascal Flats song.
• I am in awe by the look of determination and confidence in his eyes when he is swinging a baseball bat.
• He brings me the most joy when I see his compassion and love for his little brother shine through. He is a friend to Wrigley in the truest sense of the word. They say that a person's true character is defined by how they behave when they think no one is looking. When they think I am not watching, I witness my son treat his little brother with kindness, love and respect. Of course, there are times when I witness him push Wrigley for no reason, but hey-he is human:)

The list could go on, but I am sure you are now thinking of the million reasons why you adore your kids. And, hopefully you are smiling...

Mama Guilt Monday-God's Grace

Today is Mama Guilt Monday hosted by Cop Mama. If you have your own guilt you want to share or want to read others, link up at Cop Mama or post a comment here. We all have some Mama Guilt-Let it out:)

I have so much Mama Guilt I don't even know where to start. First and foremost, I fed my kids Macaroni and Cheese for both lunch and dinner yesterday. In my defense, the dinner portion was not planned this way. The healthy dinner I had planned turned out to be an inedible mess and the only option I had for them was leftovers from lunch. Jackson, for some reason, did not mind one bit!

The second guilt I have been feeling lately is that I am too hard on myself and I am too hard on the kids. I am in a constant state of disapproval over myself. I feel as if there is some cosmic judges panel (much like the American Idol panel) that is constantly evaluating me as a person. I often tell my husband that I feel like I am letting someone down, but I don't know who that person is. I don't think it is God, because I am pretty sure that He doesn't care that I watched The Biggest Loser instead of mopping the floor during Wrigley's nap. I don't know why I even bother watching it since the whole time I am thinking I should be doing one of the many things on my to-do list. That is just the tip of the iceburg of the things I beat myself up about. I am afraid that my kids perceive that I am in constant disapproval of them also. I hope not, but that fear is always there. I lecture a lot and am constantly correcting behavior. I want them to be the best that they can be, but do they know that it doesn't matter if they aren't? Do I express my unconditional love enough?

We learned in church today about God's grace and how He gives it freely-we don't have to earn it or be perfect versions of ourselves to receive it. I know this really isn't news, but hearing it yesterday made me feel relieved. I felt so liberated in the knowledge that I don't have to be perfect to receive His grace. I don't need to apologize for my inadequacies all the time.

My goal is for my kids to grow up knowing that they receive my grace without any strings. I told them (probably too many times) yesterday that good or bad behavior- it doesn't matter. I love them no matter what! Hopefully my actions will match my words more often and that will keep their future selves out of the therapy chair saying "Nothing was ever good enough". I do that a lot when I am an imperfect mother-envision what they will say to their future therapist. That is healthy, right?

Mama Guilt

I am very appreciative to Cop Mama for hosting a series called: Mama Guilt Mondays. This will be my first post in the series and you can read mine and think click on the Cop Mama link to read other mama guilt stories. Guilt is just one of the many joys of motherhood, so it is nice to read that you are not alone!

My guilt this week is that I do not always set a good example for my kids to follow. I am talking about the subtle behaviors. The kind that you don't realize until it is too late that your kids are just exhibiting behaviors that they witness you doing.

My kids have a bad habit of yelling for me or to me. They will be in their playroom and yell across the house to me when they need something. I will, of course, lecture them on the proper way to get up, find me, and ask me their question. While this lecture is coming out of my mouth, inside my head I am hearing myself yell to my husband from across the house, or, yell to the kids from across the house. I am sure their little minds are picturing the same thing, but they are too smart to say it out aloud:)

My oldest son is having a hard time controlling his emotions. His younger brother colors on his masterpiece in progress and he has a complete meltdown. Tears down the cheeks, yelling, falling on the floor. Very dramatic! As I am talking to him about how to use his words and how he needs to control his emotions, I am picturing myself speaking passionately to my husband (or what others might call YELLING) or slamming the doors of the kitchen cabinet in a passive aggressive way or crying because something hasn't gone my way. I can be quite an emotional mess at times and I am very guilt ridden that my son has inherited my inability to control his anger/fear/sadness, etc.

Although my kids witness a lot of good behaviors from me, they also get to witness the bad. I need to do a better job of realizing that those little eyes and ears are always upon me. Looking to me to demonstrate how I would want them to behave. If they could only do as I say not as I do, this parenting thing would be a lot easier:)

Ah! So nice to get that off my chest! Thank you, Cop Mama:) Click on this link (Cop Mama) to read other guilt stories and/or to add your own. Or, simply add your guilt in my comments.

Shea