I have so much Mama Guilt I don't even know where to start. First and foremost, I fed my kids Macaroni and Cheese for both lunch and dinner yesterday. In my defense, the dinner portion was not planned this way. The healthy dinner I had planned turned out to be an inedible mess and the only option I had for them was leftovers from lunch. Jackson, for some reason, did not mind one bit!
The second guilt I have been feeling lately is that I am too hard on myself and I am too hard on the kids. I am in a constant state of disapproval over myself. I feel as if there is some cosmic judges panel (much like the American Idol panel) that is constantly evaluating me as a person. I often tell my husband that I feel like I am letting someone down, but I don't know who that person is. I don't think it is God, because I am pretty sure that He doesn't care that I watched The Biggest Loser instead of mopping the floor during Wrigley's nap. I don't know why I even bother watching it since the whole time I am thinking I should be doing one of the many things on my to-do list. That is just the tip of the iceburg of the things I beat myself up about. I am afraid that my kids perceive that I am in constant disapproval of them also. I hope not, but that fear is always there. I lecture a lot and am constantly correcting behavior. I want them to be the best that they can be, but do they know that it doesn't matter if they aren't? Do I express my unconditional love enough?
We learned in church today about God's grace and how He gives it freely-we don't have to earn it or be perfect versions of ourselves to receive it. I know this really isn't news, but hearing it yesterday made me feel relieved. I felt so liberated in the knowledge that I don't have to be perfect to receive His grace. I don't need to apologize for my inadequacies all the time.
My goal is for my kids to grow up knowing that they receive my grace without any strings. I told them (probably too many times) yesterday that good or bad behavior- it doesn't matter. I love them no matter what! Hopefully my actions will match my words more often and that will keep their future selves out of the therapy chair saying "Nothing was ever good enough". I do that a lot when I am an imperfect mother-envision what they will say to their future therapist. That is healthy, right?